Getting what you want in relationships in a healthy manner
D-E-A-R-M-A-N
Describe:
Express:
Assert: Ask
Reinforce:
Mindful:
Appear Confident:
Negotiate:


Describe:
Stick to the facts and no judgmental statements
A direct, specific question, Leave any emotion out of your voice.
Practice in mind first

More of ___________. Less of ___________
Stop doing ___________ Start doing ___________
When ___________ Where ___________
Frequency ___________


Express: Using “I statements”
don't expect the other person to read your mind
“I feel scared when we…. ”
“I feel lonely when we…”
“Lately, I feel sad about us.”
NOT
“You’re hurting me.”
“You don’t care about us.”
“You’re always late.”

Assert:
Ask for what you want. Say no clearly.
A softening statement.
“Would you mind if …”
“It would be helpful if you could …”
“I’d appreciate it if you would …”
"I would like a raise. Can you give it to me?
Don't tell others what they "should" do.
Saving the “big guns” for later is often an effective strategy


Reinforce: Reward others
Positive effects of getting what you want or need.
An appreciation statement.
“This will really help me out.”
“This will make a real difference.”
“This is much appreciated.”


STAY MINDFULKeep your focus on your objectivesDon't be distracted on to another topicTwo helpful techniques for staying mindful:1. Broken Record Keep asking, saying no or expressing your opinion...2. IgnoreIf the other person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ....IGNORE,

APPEAR CONFIDENT
-Confident tone of voice-Confident physical manner-Appropriate eye contact-No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, etc...


Negotiate:
-Offer and ask for other solutions or alternatives ,
Compromise
-Win-win, right?
-"What do you think we can do.”-"How can we solve this problem?"

Blocks to Listening
Mind reading: Assuming you know
Rehearsing: what you want to say next
Filtering: Listening only to important things to you
Judging: Evaluating the other person
Daydreaming: memories or fantasies
Advising: Looking for solutions instead
Arguing: debating.
Being right: Resisting
Derailing: changing the subject
Placating: Agreeing too quickly